Does there have to be a title all the time I write something?

First let's start with the good news. I passed the first year's exams. I know, I know I am making it a big thing. But it's big thing for me, if for noone else. Of course I don't know how much marks I have been able to secure but then I am hoping for the best. Let's see what happens in a week's time.

Most of the people think that I am a studious girl, but the truth is, I don't even work hard to get good grades. I just write in the exams what I have been able to understand, and until now, it has always worked. I hope the same will happen in the days to come as well. I don't need to work hard coz I am a student of literature, and in these sort of subjects, understanding and creativity count more than simply mugging things up. Now, I am not trying to say that I am a creative girl, not exactly.

I remember my school days when I always had hard times with maths and science. I was dumb at that. In fact I was really good at compulsory maths but optional maths scared me as hell. And science?? Was I ever interested to study that crap?? NO!!

In the send-up test of my tenth grade, I had secured only 56 marks in compulsory maths, and a little more in optional maths (I don't know how??) and despite that I had topped my class because the marks in other subjects like English, Nepali, EPH, Social Studies and Accounts had recovered the loss in both maths. Yeah, I was very good in Nepali as well. Especially my language was my strong point, and in all my exam paper, my teacher could find two 'raswa dirgha' mistakes!! Bimal sir, my Nepali teacher really appreciated me and my 'suddha' writings. I was good in English as well. The teacher who checked my English send-up test paper likes it so much that he photocopied it and distributed among his students, and later met me in my school. It was such an honour for me. Gone are those days... I have to work really harder than ever to get the same kind of honour again.

I remember that when I was in class nine, I and some of my friends took exams (Nepali and English) with class 10 students and although there would be questions from chapters not taught to us, we would score much higher than most of the class 10 students. By god, they were so jealous of us... and we were so proud. So were the teachers. I wonder where that zeal and enthusiasm got lost now.

Anyways, I still try my best not to compromise anything during exams, and while I write this, I remember that my exams are only a couple of months away. I should really work hard this time, much harder than in any exams I have taken till date, coz I have not been able to attend classes in the college regularly and I also don't have much resources for the journalism paper. I hope I will be able to manage it soon.

Unfortunately, some of my really good friends didn't get through the exams. Sooman doesn't know his symbol number, but I am sure that he has passed.

Where's the party tonight??

Wow, today was the day... oops actually it should be 'evening'. The fifth Boss Anniversary party at the Raddison Hotel, Lazimpat, and most of us were there, and more. I hadn't thought I would like the party at all, but I did. And I danced too!! Unbelievable...

Today was a bandh and there was no public transportation. I was reluctant to go yet I didn't want to be scolded the other day in front of others. I had thought about asking my dad to drop me upto the hotel but then Amrit was also going so we decided to take a taxi instead. Luckily we caught the casino's vehicle and it dropped us upto Sundhara. There we saw a tempo and got a hint that there were some vehicles (at least tempos) running. Then we walked upto Jamal and there we got a tempo. Lucky we!! So we got there. Sooman was waiting for us, for me. He looked absolutely handsome and cute...

I had worn a skirt, after so many years, and I was a little shy. I was trying my best not to show that expression in my face, and I guess I was successful in that as well. Quite amazingly I and Pavitra had put on the same dress and we were given the name 'twin sisters'. Hahaha!! Eva looked really beautiful in straight hair and Sharmila didi too looked really nice in that red dress.

Unfortunately I forgot to take my camera in there. I regret that now.

Actually I was so much in hurry. In the last hour, my mom was asking me not to go to the party. And I was all ready. I was in such a dillemma... but at the end, I made my way and she is not upset as well. Coz we really got home in time, in a taxi and Amrit paid... I didn't like that at all. At some point I must pay him...

After the formal things, certificate distribution, speeches and all, everyone was on the dance floor... I was avoiding dancing through every possible pretexts but Pavitra insisted so much, I couldn't deny. Then I went there, moved my body a little and returned to my seat. You had to see Sooman dancing, he danced really well. I hadn't known that!!!

There are rumours that the SLC results will be published today so I have been waiting for the results to be posted online. Two of my cousins are expecting results this year. I wish they passed. And here I have, SLC symbol numbers of so many brothers and sisters I don't even know. I hope I will be able to convey good news to all of them...

I still remember that day when I was expecting my results and I was so nervous. We didn't have internet then and I got my results through phone. I was more than disappointed to hear that I had just got first division, while all my teachers and parents were expecting me to hit the board. No, I couldn't... But the newspaper had my symbol number listed under distinction holders. I was really more than happy. Anyway, I had topped my school, my batch.

All the best for all those expecting SLC results...

Uncontrolled thoughts...

Finally it was the weekend. Long tiring week and a day off!! “What a relief”, I had thought. But when I woke up thanks to Sooman’s farewell call, I wished this Saturday didn’t come at all. He was leaving for a five days long training session and we wouldn’t even get to talk over phone, coz the place where he was going wouldn’t have any network… Suddenly I thought “What the hell! Why should it already be Saturday?”… No option save acceptance… I asked him to take care and enjoy, and that I would miss him! Nothing more.

Then I went back to sleep again. I woke up late, thought his absence would teach me something new and started my day as usual. Well, I must say I had wanted to sleep the whole day but would my mom allow that? I did nothing more than helping my brother clean his room and then had lunch really early and started washing clothes. Actually Geeta started out and I just helped her. My cousin Grishma was there after a long time and it was quite fun to be with her. She had stayed with us most of her childhood days and so she shares an intimate relationship with our family. Now she stays with her parents… i.e. my mama and maiju.

I just didn’t do anything significant after the washing while Geeta did all the household chores. I turned on the computer, checked some mails, sent some and then played games. What a waste!! I regretted later. I thought about reading “A doll’s house” and actually turned the pages, but no, I couldn’t concentrate at all. Something was wrong with me. I had no zeal to do anything at all. I didn’t even want to watch TV. It was somehow abnormal because I have always loved watching television on Saturdays!

In the evening I remembered that I had to go to the boutique and collect my garment. I set off with nothing but an umbrella and the money I would have to pay. It was slightly raining, and I had a joyous heart. After all, the weather was too good. I suddenly found myself happy and smiling. :)

It was nice to see people hurrying somewhere, most of them I noticed without umbrella or raincoat. But the rain wasn’t that heavy. And I realised that I too wanted to get wet. I removed the umbrella for a few seconds and let the raindrops fall on me. It was such a nice feeling. Well, I didn’t want to catch cold as I am very vulnerable to it so I took shelter of the umbrella. I reached the boutique, asked if my cloth was ready and as most of the times, I left empty-handed. I wanted to shout at her and scold her, but I maintained my cool and went to my dad’s nursery.

Dad was still working. (It was already 6.30 pm when I reached there.) Suddenly there was an admiration for him in my eyes. “Daddy” I called him. He was shocked to see me there. By then, it had already started raining cats and dogs. It didn’t seem to bother him at all. I also started looking around. The nursery looked wonderful. There were flowers all around and dad’s business was running pretty well. He would want us to join him and help him out, and my sister and brother are doing just that. But as for me, I am not interested in it at all. I don’t have a ‘business mind’ and I can’t bear at all to get myself involved in all those things- customers, money, accounts ... not my cup of tea!!

Dad didn’t say anything to me. He was too engaged in his work. For a moment I looked at him and thought “How can he work so hard?” And remembered those old days, when I was a kid. “Yeah, no doubt, my dad loves me the most” I concluded just so. A few weeks earlier, when I had to attend the Yamaha Glam Calendar launch and while returning back, I hadn’t found any vehicle save a taxi, mom told me I could have called dad. Then dad said that he was not worth that! I was amazed to hear him say that. He says that I work in a ‘big’ office where all my colleagues’ come from a decent background, from high class and so he didn’t deserve to pick me up in front of others… I scolded him for having such a lowly feeling and left the room. Later he was telling me that he was just joking… what a bad joke I thought.

Really, I admire my dad very much. He started his life from the zero level and reached this height. I still remember those difficult days that my parents have overcome with dignity and toil of day and night. In fact they have done every possible thing to never let us down in front of others. I know I have failed to understand my dad many a times, hated him even, but still he has always been a source of inspiration, a living image of someone extra-ordinary who keeps on reminding me that nothing is impossible.

I would still get time to think so many things if dad hadn’t called for me. I went in to the office and we prepared to leave. I folded my pants so that it wouldn’t be muddy, dad put on his raincoat and we left for home. Dad was much ahead of me on the road as he walks really fast and I wasn’t being able to catch up with him. On the way, I noticed the shops, stationeries, tailors, hotels, restaurants… everything that we got to see while at Gyan Niketan, the school from where I passed my SLC from. In fact it’s the only school where I spent all my school life. I was really pleased to find the road near the school pitched, and that was nearly the only change I noticed. Very quickly, I also had a flashback of my school days memory.

At home, I did nothing but watched ‘Kya Aap Panchvi Pass Se Tez hai?’ had dinner, plugged ear-phones playing some selected songs and slept while remembering so many things…

I am what I am...

I can't exactly express in words how happy I am. I mean all the things are going on just so well. This moment is the moment of perfect bliss for me.

There were negative vibes all over my mind since early morning until lunch break. But slowly things changed and I discovered a new 'me'.

I was quite disturbed in the last few days coz there were so many minor and seemingly insignificant things that were eating me inside. I could neither express what I felt nor could I help myself. I was in a total dilemma. I hated myself for being too sensitive towards the smallest thing in life and wanted badly to break free. Afterall, it is not my duty to take care of all the things. I am not that strong, am I? But then, I couldn't stop thinking about all those ugly things over and over again, agitating myself, blaming myself... hurting myself.

Today, I decided that it's too much. I am stoic, true but only in front of others. The truth is I am very fragile and vulnerable to the most trivial thing. I don't show immediate reaction to anything but that very thing eats me inside, shattering me.

After returning back home and refreshing myself, I thought for a moment, what should I really do to help myself? To know myself better? To stop making things big and let them haunt myself all the time... I wanted to understand the true 'me', not associating myself with anyone else... And, while I was at the roof, with melodious songs playing in my dad's cell and the breeze so cool, I could reach my inner self.

I could hear myself say 'I am what I am.'

Since years I have heard people evaluate me in their own different ways. I have hardly heard anyone say bad about me. But yeah, many a times people take me as a 'proud' lady coz I don't speak much to anyone, but why should I care? Those who have truly understood me find every answer in my silence. Like Soo, Smita and even Sabita... they know me so well.

On the contrary, back at home, I am the chatter box. But my family doesn't seem to understand me at all... And that hurts a lot. But how long? I am a mature lady now, and I can take care of myself. It is not necessary that you get understood by every person around you.

For the last couple of days, I kept on searching answers as to why my family members failed to understand me, and I found no convincing answer. May be what I felt was just a creation of my over-sensitive mind. And finally I consoled myself saying just that, that it was not them but myself who failed to understand the real Poo...